It’s been over a week since my surgery and I haven’t written about it. Honestly, every day this past week I thought about it and just…couldn’t write this post. It took me awhile to figure out why I didn’t know what to say, and then finally this morning I realized why I haven’t been super-compelled to write about it.
How on earth do I write one single post on something that has changed my whole life? (answer: write a really, really long one like this)
Yes, the surgery worked. My feet are dry as can be, and very warm to boot. For the first time in my life, I’m walking around the house without socks on. In fact, I haven’t worn a single pair of socks since leaving the hospital last Thursday.
I write that, and I certainly feel the impact of how huge that is for me, but looking at it from an outsider’s perspective (no offense, readers–but you’re the outsiders here) it just seems so…anticlimactic.
So I’ll try to explain as best as possible just how incredible this is for me. I don’t know why I feel like I have to defend my choice–certainly no one has told me “That’s stupid, why would you get surgery for something little like that?” but I feel like they’re thinking it every time I tell my story. I don’t blame them, honestly…the degree to which my feet used to sweat is unfathomable to most people who never really put a second thought into their foot dryness.
I’ve worn a dress every day this week. Every day! I’ve never been able to leave the house in a dress, confident that I would be comfortable all day. Why was it such a problem to wear dresses before? Because in order to wear dresses, women usually wear sandals or some kind of shoe that you don’t wear socks with. Many people have asked me “why can’t you wear sandals and other shoes…what’s the big deal?” and it’s difficult to explain how uncomfortable it is, but would YOU want your stilettos to have puddles in them? Probably not. As for sandals, my feet would drip visibly, which is embarrassing, and the straps of most sandals would also cut right into my swollen, soft feet.
And now…Now I feel like I’m a part of a club of women I always wanted to belong to. I went to DSW with my mom and for the first time, I tried on whatever shoe I felt like. I felt a certain…camaraderie…between me and other women in the store as we hunted for cute bargains. I went to Nordstrom’s shoe department and for the first time asked a salesperson to bring me a pair of shoes that I’d like to try on (before, I was too intimidated). I felt like I BELONGED in that shoe department and that I wasn’t just the style-less impostor I usually feel like.
Which brings me to the biggest thing of all for me…I finally feel like I can express my true sense of style. I can go shopping and actually buy the clothes that I would otherwise just wish for. All my life, I’ve felt limited to the things I could wear because everything required certain kinds of shoes and socks. Jeans all year round, business slacks at work, boots or sneakers every day since I could wear my thick socks with them. I felt self-conscious about it all of the time…I wanted to be fashionable and trendy. I felt like people just thought I wasn’t very stylish, that I was clueless about trends and cute clothes. Every time a woman talked about her awesome new shoes in front of me, I’d want to hide my own feet since I was stuck in the same boring shoes every day. Stacy and Clinton (hope you guys are What Not to Wear fans) are absolutely right…looking good makes you feel good, and too often I felt very very “blah” as a direct result of what I wore.
Right now, I’m wearing a flowy grey dress, my bare feet kicked up beside me on the couch with pretty red toenails from my first pedicure. I feel comfortable. I feel stylish. I feel like this is who I was meant to be and I had to hide it for a very long time. What a difference that makes! (it also makes me incredibly emotional and teary to think about)
I hope this is forever. I truly hope that these results are permanent and that I can live the rest of my life with this kind of freedom. I had a dream last night that my feet started sweating again, so it is definitely still on my mind that this might not be permanent. I’m afraid that they will revert back to how they used to be. But since there’s nothing that can convince me of the permanence except time, I’m going to appreciate this as much as possible for as long as possible.
As for the recovery, I’m doing well. I was surprised just how exhausted surgery can make you. I’m not in much pain anymore, but my stomach (where the incisions are) is sore. I’m improving daily though and hope to be at full speed soon!
If you made it this far, thank you! I know this was a long post, but I felt it necessary to truly express how much has changed for the better with this one “little” thing. The more time that passes, the more it amazes me that I will (hopefully) have the rest of my life to enjoy this outcome. It feels so, so good!
