On Putting Myself Out There

by Mandy Weger on July 21, 2011

I have to admit…since I’ve been in my relationship with Mike, I haven’t been faced with much rejection. I’ve pretty much been safe with Mike and my small circle of friends…who else is there to brush me off?

But recently, I’ve found myself to be rejected twice after making an attempt to branch out and make new friends. In the first instance, I met a girl who lived very close to me in South Jersey who had recently moved here from out of state. We had a long conversation, she seemed engaged with the things we talked about, and I thought there was potential for a friendship. I suggested that we get together for lunch or drinks since she was relatively new to the area, and I offered that I didn’t have a ton of friends in South Jersey either (actually, I was being generous to myself–I have none). I gave her my info, and I never heard back from her.

In the second instance, Mike and I met a guy who had similar interests to ours, he was also newish to the area and had just gotten back to the States after a tour in South Africa with the Peace Corps. He indicated that his girlfriend also had similar interests to ours. We gave him my email address and suggested that we all go out for drinks, as we’d love to hear more about his experience in South Africa since we’ve been toying with the idea of vacationing there within the next year or two. Didn’t hear back.

Now, I know that these people are completely entitled to not contact me back. People have busy lives and their own stuff to deal with…I know that. I took a risk in putting myself out there to offer friendship, and my offers were kind of just ignored. Okay. That’s fine. I’m not so brittle that I’d cry over it, but I do have to admit that my ego was bruised a little bit. I thought that two new people in town would be pretty safe bets to reach out to–isn’t everyone looking for friends when they move somewhere new? Apparently not.

With our impending move to Spain, it makes me a little nervous…if I’m having trouble finding friends in the States who speak my own language, how will I make friends in Spain where I don’t know anyone and don’t understand their language?

I can tell you one thing–I won’t be like those two people I reached out to. If someone offers a kind word and an offer to get to know me better, you’d better believe I’ll take them up on the offer. I feel a little vulnerable after being brushed off like this, but I suppose I have to look at it like this: I’ll never make any new friends if I don’t put myself out there. If I don’t seem receptive to making friends, then people probably won’t offer me friendship. At least I’m trying, right?

Of course, this all probably makes me seem friendless and desperate, but I’m really not: I know that friends and connections will come and go at this time in my life. I’m nearly 25, I don’t have kids, I’m not in college anymore, I’m married in the suburbs…my “people similar to me who live near me” pool is small right now. I have a really great core of friends at the center of my life, but I think it’s good to branch out and meet other people who may bring a different dynamic to the table.

Connecting with other adults is definitely not as easy as it was connecting with other kids in college. In college, everyone is looking to hang out, to party, to get laid; they’re more receptive to new people and new experiences. After college…it seems like the door to that receptiveness closes just a bit.

I hope that I will always keep that door open for myself. I hope I will always be welcoming to new friends and new people. It’ll probably mean that I get brushed off quite a bit, but hopefully the experiences and relationships I gain from being an open person will make it all worth it.

Do you have trouble making friends as a post-college adult? Have you also been brushed off by potential friends & suffered a bruised ego? How did you handle it?

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Deanna

I’ve been really lucky to make friends with the wives of my fiance’s guy friends. It was hard for them to accept me at first since they all grew up together since grade school, but soon they learned my personality and we all became true friends. I would tell you to keep trying and don’t get discouraged or mad if people blow you off. In Spain it might even be easier because you can ask questions and have them show you restaurants and things to do.

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Lea

Oh I sure do. My huband and I have some friends in the area, but they’re childhood friends–we keep trying to make friends with people in our building, but it’s a slow process. We are having a challenge with finding *nearby* friends, coupled or single; we may have to move so that complicates things further.
The old avenues–church and local clubs are nonstarters since our area is so transient (DC).
We have many (nonlocal) friends through a shared activity, and the one thing that this really opened my eyes to post-college is not sticking to your age range. Some of our best friends now are in their 40s or 50s, very different points of life than us with kids, houses, some even eyeing retirement etc. but we are still close. That’s one thing I found that doesn’t matter at all if you have enough in common.

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http://www.mintedlife.com kelsey

Oh Mandy, I’m sorry. It is really hard to make new friends/meet people that you want to get to know. I think you’re doing everything right, and won’t have anything to worry about in Spain. Maybe they were worried about starting a friendship with someone who is leaving?

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http://lfdimples.blogspot.com/ Lauren

I’m so sorry to hear you’re being so brutally rebuffed! I’m not sure how close you guys are to Atlantic City or how much longer you’re in NJ to begin with. But I love to making new friends

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http://xoxokristin.blogger.com Kristin

As much as you don’t want it to happen, those living abroad tend to find safe foreigner communities, as I did in my 3 years in Japan. I also did make non-foreign friends by going to the gym. I found some locals to be immediately interested in friendship BECAUSE I spoke English, was from a different country, etc. You’ll do great, and while it may be intimidating at first, I’m sure you’ll find your groove easily! It was pretty easy for me and I consider myself shy & quiet

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Lori

Girl, I totally understand – possibly from both sides. I don’t like getting rejected (by anything) especially socially. And, I think it has cause a bit of social fear, or more technically “social anxiety”. Since college… strike that… since high school, I have been moving all over the place being forced to make friends with people from everywhere. Guess who my best friend STILL are – those from high school. I just moved *here* two months ago and have made one friend. I have had several offers to go out to lunch, go shopping, etc. but have turned them down in fear that they will find me boring, find that we don’t have as much in common as they might think, think I’m weird, etc. times a million.
What the heck is my point: I bet it isn’t you. I’m not saying that everyone has social anxiety, but as you know – meeting people and making friends is hard at this stage of life we are in, no? Hang in there – if you are anything like your Blog depicts, you are an awesome person. Don’t be scared to put yourself out there in the social scene again. Once you move to Spain it will be HARD (trust me, I was there 4 years ago trying to survive for a year… and made friends with only a few people – all of whom were Americans – had I tried a little harder to learn Spanish, it would have been easier ), but just remember – it isn’t always you.

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Mandy Reply:
July 22nd, 2011 at 2:14 am
That’s awesome that your best friends are still from high school! I’ve lost touch with many of them since we’re all in different states now. That’s also fantastic that you lived in Spain for a year! I’d love to hear more about your experiences!

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http://www.allieseverydayadventures.blogspot.com Allie

Girrrrrl I feel ya. I was just thinking yesterday how I don’t hang out with people enough. And then I couldn’t think of anyone to hang out with. I moved here two years ago and made a few good friends, but most of them not close enough to just call to say hey.
I guess luckily I’m in the same demographic as you, but since I’m in a college town a lot of people are holding off on kids while their SOs are in grad school/entry level jobs. That makes it a little easier.
I’m sorry those people didn’t want to be your friend!

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http://www.greeningyoureats.com Amber

Good for you for putting yourself out there! I think the best thing is to keep brushing it off, because sometimes you have to reach out a lot before someone reaches back.

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Colleen

I’ll be your friend! Too bad I live in Canada

I find it hard to make friends. One time, I saw an ad on a classified site from a woman looking for someone to go to the dog park with. I replied, but the response seemed “off”. I didn’t write back cause i’m scared they are really a 60 year old freaky man

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http://twitter.com/thatsostelle Estelle

Mandy, I totally love your posts. They are always so relevant to me! My husband and I have been living in our house for almost 2 years now, and we don’t have many friends where we live either. My hubs is mostly a loner and his friends (the few he has) don’t make much effort to get in touch. When they do, I feel like he should have guy time and go by himself. We have made other couple friends that I don’t think really reciprocate our efforts to make plans for them, etc. and I have kind of given up being so nice and offering all the time. At some point, it’s a little tiring to feel like you are always the one orchestrating these events and no one else does. It’s sad. My husband has recently made friends with someone he has seen every Friday for lunch at a food establishment, and him and his wife have become dear friends very quickly. I feel like we won the jackpot. They always want to make plans, and see each other. They are easy to talk to, and easy to laugh with. I wish we had more friends like this. I don’t understand why people make it so hard to be friends with them, when it should really be one of the easiest things to do in the world. Sometimes I feel like we need a friend finder/match.com something to help us out. We love to be social, and do so many things and no one really seems that game. I’m also not sure if it’s where we are in our relationship – married, living together for 2 years, together for almost 6 – while a lot of people are still in that relationship bubble and not willing to invite others in? I wish I could figure it all out.

I trust that you will make friends in Spain, and I agree – if someone reaches out to you and wants to get together, I think taking a chance is the best thing you can do. I mean, you never know! It’s just like dating, isn’t it? haha.

Thanks again for writing this! Hope you are having a cool Thursday!

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Mandy Reply:
July 22nd, 2011 at 2:16 am
Thanks for your response, Estelle! That’s fantastic that you’ve found such great friends! I’ve also experienced very one-sided friendships, and they’re too much work. I hope that your new friends become lasting relationships that you can count on!

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http://hemborgwife.wordpress.com/ Bailie Marie

I also hate making new friends, I get so nervous about calling or what we will say when we do something. I got lucky when we moved as my husbands best friend is engaged to a British girl so she knew no one in Sweden as well.
I do agree that you will find some other expats in Spain and they will not only have guidance but a great friendship.

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http://www.arunnerslife.wordpress.com Mara Simon

I can totally see how you would feel crappy after that, what a bummer! As for making friends in Spain, it is a totally different experience! I’ve found that the ex-pat community is usually very strong in other countries and everyone wants to make friends since everyone feels sort of alone and isolated when they first move…Don’t stress about that, you’ll make lots of friends and be living in an amazing place!
As for these peeps, I am willing to bet it’s 100% because they got busy, not a reflection on you!

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http://www.oneimperfectlyperfectlife.blogspot.com Bonnie Joy

I totally get this, and Im so sorry that you have been having a hard time! This year most of my college friends from undergrad have moved to different towns, and I havent been able to make any grad school friends yet. It kinda sucks…and I have put myself out there a few times but without much luck, because people seem to already have all the friends they need and I would just be an optional extra.
Im hoping that it wont be too hard for you to find friends in Spain, because expats often gravitate towards each other anyway (at least from my experience).
And I would totally be your friend. Except….New Zealand is kind of at the end of the world *sigh*

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http://thesilverlining-blog.blogspot.com Carrie

Awww, Mandy! What a bummer! I’d totally be your friend if I were in your area!

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http://www.marriedupwithwine.com Mandy

@Bonnie Joy & @Carrie: I totally wish that all of us were closer in distance…I feel like I know so many of my blogging friends so well, but I can’t hang out with them! It’s such a bummer!

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Elizabeth

Yes. 100% understand. I have been sooo reluctant to put myself out there AGAIN now that we’ve moved AGAIN (4 states in 5 years). It’s so hard to motivate knowing I do have good friends, just in other time zones. Hoping both of us can find some nearby friends soon!

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http://hernewleaf.wordpress.com Kira

I can definitely relate to this! About a year ago, I moved out to LA and I have had SUCH a hard time meeting friends. On top of general difficulties, I have a really unusual job in that I work by myself about 95% of the time, so I don’t even have work as a “built-in” way to even interact with people on a daily basis. What I have learned (as you said you will try) is to not be afraid to put myself out there when I meet someone I’m “into” (lol) and to work to strengthen the relationships I HAVE been able to make!

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http://thenestchapter.blogspot.com/ Melissa

I can totally relate. I live in a town kind of close to where I grew up, so I’m lucky to live near my childhood friends. When I try to make new connections, it just hasn’t really panned out. We live in a new town, so even though I have my friends relatively close by, I miss having friends in the same town. I always have to plan things in advance with my firends. I’m still looking for ways to make connections, but like you I find it hard because of the place we are at in life.

I think the best thing you can do is just put yourself out there. It may not always work out, but it won’t happen if you don’t. It will also be nice that both of you will be new and can work on meeting new people together.

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http://fromscratchblog.wordpress.com Abby

I totally feel you on this post, especially the part about being in your 20′s and living in the burbs with your hubby – I’m in the same boat. Our neighborhood is mostly middle to older aged families/couples, and there aren’t really any younger couples for us to friend. It’s so sad – I saw a younger-ish pregnant woman walking around our neighborhood and I told my husband I wanted to be her friend b/c there’s nobody around us that’s our age! It’s definitely harder to make new friends as you get older, but I think it’s really awesome that you’ve been putting yourself out there with people – I’m really shy and have a hard time doing that, so I admire you!

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http://cestlawvie.wordpress.com Monica

Mandy, I can so relate to this! In fact, I was going to blog about this the other day but feel awkward doing so because one of my coworkers (who lives a few blocks away and who I’ve made an effort to be friends with outside of work but hasn’t really been receptive) reads my blog so I feel like I can’t. It’s hard when you put yourself out there and get shot down. I recently saw a girl I recognized from college on the train to work and we exchanged numbers, and I was shocked when she actually called me! We went to dinner and I think we’re actually going to hang out again, so that was exciting. Keep putting yourself out there, I am sure it isn’t you. I would totally be friends with you if we lived closer!

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http://forgetme-not.blogspot.com Steph

I absolutely relate to this. I moved from Philly (college) to DC about three years ago; for the first 8 months or so, my fiancé and I didn’t have any friends or really know anyone. I decided to go back to school, which is how I met a couple of really great people; I fully realize that if it wasn’t for school, though, I’d probably still be friendles.. The ‘bee has also helped form some local friendships, which is great, but I sometimes get that same “brushed” off feeling from some of the new people I meet. It’s hard! My best advice is to go to some sort of group class with the hubs, see if you can meet people that way! ((I should really be taking my own advice here, hah!))

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Nodakademic

I have never had a lot of friends. And as an adult, I actually have no local friend beyond a few girls that I went to high school with, and they both have children of their own to take care of, so they don’t have a ton of time. not to mention that those are childhood friendships, which, well very special, are not necessarily friendship based around similar interests. My husband has 1 college friend who is a pretty good friend to both of us, but he is single, and also has many different interests, so we don’t hang out with him very often either. like you, I have branched out and tried to make more friends, without a lot of success. It its just hard, when you are an adult.

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http://Galendenali.blogspot.com Galen

Omg. Please tell me this isn’t me. PLEASE. I messaged you, right?!?

Ha. Anyway. It is SO hard meeting people out of school!! I feel ya on this

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